Wednesday, 26 July 2017

My Balcony

I've been in my apartment now for three years and it's only this summer that I've finally gotten around to making the balcony comfortable and usable. Better late than never, I guess!

But now I have put beautiful fake green grass on it, along with two fake (as in plastic, not wood) adirondack chairs and a matching table --


Plus a heavy iron-and-ceramic-tile stand to hold down that end of the fake green grass. It also acts as a plant stand for the two fake plants that I brought home from my office for just this purpose --


Down at the other end of the balcony, you can see my lovely little arrangement of two fake cedars and another container of fake greenery. The door leads to a storage room to keep all this crap in during the wintertime.


While this fake greenery does help to hold down that end of the fake green grass, what's REALLY holding it down is the fake cement rabbit which, let me tell you, weighs a goddamn TON --


I'm sure you've detected by now the CENTRAL organizing principle of my balcony decor -- yes, everything must be FAKE. No watering, no tending, no fuss, no muss. AIN'T NOBODY got time for that!

The only thing on my balcony that is NOT fake are the sonovabitchin PIGEONS which like to land on it and use it as their personal toilet. So, to keep them away, I have tied "holographic scare tape" to the railings from Lee Valley Tools. The tape's constant fluttering in the wind and its ever-changing rainbow reflections in the sun work PERFECTLY to keep pigeons away. Those mofos fly right past now and instead land upstairs on the balcony above mine!


So now on hot days, I can sit outside with a nice cold beverage and catch some breeze. All while casting my gaze over the lovely view of other buildings' ROOFTOPS and PARKADES, lol! Oh well, can't have everything. The Million Dollar View will just have to wait until I win the LOTTERY!




58 comments:

anne marie in philly said...

so you live downtown; looks nice. and the balcony looks FABU for being fake everything.

DEZMOND said...

under breeze you mean fresh exhaust fumes, right? :))
I do love me fake plants, I have four fake ball shaped bushes on my imperial balcony too because nothing actually alive would survive up there.
The only thing you're missing are white/beige/baby blue stripped cushions on the chairs :)

DEZMOND said...

PS must be fun driving a car that stood on a hot roof all summer day long :)

Miss Val's Creations said...

Fake stuff is the best. Instead we have real plants and real rabbits. The confused rabbits eat our plants. Great idea for keeping the nasty bird poop away!

Marie Smith said...

Lol. Great pigeon solution. Low maintenance is a great idea for a balcony in my opinion.

Blogoratti said...

The chairs look so comfortable and inviting, sitting there enjoying the splendid view and watching the world go by. Greetings!

The Captain said...

I hate my lawn but like to be kind to the wildlife. Still I would prefer the maintenance free option if I could.

Treey Stynes said...

I love how you nonchalantly call them mofos. lol priceless.

Jeanne said...

Very posh! And so tropical. :o) Astro turf is better than having to sit out there with a pair of scissors to cut the grass.....

Bob Slatten said...

It's a shame you can't have fake pigeons!

jaz@octoberfarm said...

who said that what separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize. your patio looks so cute!

Adam said...

Despite hating heights, I really do like balconies

mistress maddie said...

That's the only thing I miss here is a balcony. Looks great Debs. I can only imagine on a nice summer day, the breeze hitting you with a cold drink. Do you give the neighbors a view by sitting there topless?

Mitchell is Moving said...

I love your entirely fake balcony. It looks exactly like a real balcony. It's amazing what you can find for fake greenery now. We almost did a vine-covered wall on our terrace until we glass it in and could actually maintain real vines. I'm amazed the scare tape works! That's wonderful. My mother tried everything and finally enclosed her balcony. She had one of those realistic and scary face owls. "Guaranteed to keep pigeons away." The pigeons would sit on the railing alongside the owl. Also, I love the plastic Adirondack chairs! great job. But we had a 60-pound cement pig you could have used on the fake green grass!

Snap said...

Better late than never. A place to enjoy the breeze without pigeons -- well done!

Kirk said...

I'd love to have a balcony, but I think it's something like $40 more in rent, so I do without.

There's Bats in my coffee said...

Your area looks nice and lively! Good idea about the pigeons. I loved at the way you worded it all. I would have wrote the same thing. A couple of years ago, I tried planting things on my balcony. I don't have time or patience to care for plants, a kid, pets and work a full time job so they all died. I wish my balcony was as neat and orderly as yours.

brewella deville said...

I bought my parents a few of those chairs many years ago, they were insanely comfy.

Susan said...

Those 'fake' Adirondack chairs are looking mighty fine to me. I have been trying to ignore the peeling paint on my 'real' ones. Wonder if that tape would work on my mofo rabbits...

Debra She Who Seeks said...

@ Mistress Maddie -- "Do you give the neighbors a view by sitting there topless?" Ha ha, the neighbours should BE so lucky!

Debra She Who Seeks said...

@ Mitchell is Moving -- Pigeons are MUCH too smart to be fooled by fake owls. The scare tape works because its appearance constantly changes due to the wind and the sun. THAT'S what keeps the mofos away.

Leeanna Henderson said...

Really all that fake shit is worth while. Like you said no fuss no muss. I think it looks nice.

MrsDuncanMahogany said...

Beautiful views and beautiful patio!! I LIKE the fake grass....

Rain said...

A gal has to have a little hideaway, even if it is a city hideaway! I'm so happy you got your balcony done! Isn't the fake grass amazing? I was wondering how you'd hold it down on the cement, good job on that! :) I nailed mine right into the rotting wood porch floor lol...I remember my days in downtown Montreal and I loved my high rise balcony view of the city. I'm glad I experienced it though I'm happy enough to be in nature now! :)

LL Cool Joe said...

I'm a great believer in fake plants and grass. The fake cedars look real. Your view looks interesting, I bet there's a lot to watch going on. Enjoy!

Dr. Theda said...

s... think we just posted your Balcony at the Crypt... (damned electronics)... Well a pleasant day to you and yours....

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

So nice to see peaceful, clean Edmonton from your beautifully fake balcony. I like fake things too (except our fake president) - and those blue fake chairs look cozy to me. I never would've been as creative and resourceful as to use that holograph paper to keep pigeons away. You're a genius.

Enjoy.

Rosemary said...

Love all of this fakery - we used to have a property in London many years ago, and I considered using fake grass on the little balcony, but there wasn't much selection and it was considered rather non-u.
Now it seems to be all the rage, people are even doing whole lawns of it - you are at vanguard of a new way of doing things.

Lynn said...

I'll bet you've got some nice lights at night though! And I have a cement bunny that weighs a ton, too.

Good idea with the silk greenery - I confess I have a little of that, too.

Onevikinggirl said...

Fab balcony! The only thing it needs is a pair of binoculars for some neighbor-gazing. No?

John M said...

The pigeon deterrent is a great idea.

e said...

Excellent job on the balcony! Very nice, very tidy, very low maintenance. Around here, in the PNW, I'm always going on about covered outdoor space - it's essential! And not just for smokers!

One good thing about the parkade is that it opens up the view. Your balcony wouldn't be nearly as awesome if there was a matching one 20 feet away...

Guillaume said...

I miss the balcony we had in our old flat in Montreal.

Janie Junebug said...

I have a deck I don't use because of the mosquitoes. I do walk across it to get to the yard and the garage.

Love,
Janie

AntiquityTravelers said...

I friken HATE pigeons (and for that matter seagulls too) ... they are like 'rats with wings' I guess that scare tape ain't no fake! I'd be flashing that stuff at them for sure

Linda said...

HI Debra...
Fake....fake...fake.
I agree with Dez...you need some cushions...perhaps fake fur?
Cheers!
Linda :o)

Plowing Through Life (Martha) said...

I love your setup! Low maintenance all the way, baby. The best. And I never would have thought about the holograph paper to keep pigeons away. That is very cool. I'll have to keep it in mind.

Magaly Guerrero said...

I'm laughing like a psychopath because I just replied to your comment about your pigeon post on my blog that I wondered if they had pooped on you. Way too close to home, I think. Those little terrors. How dare them!

*hides her face to keep Debra from seeing the laughter*

Willym said...

Dust once a week - I'm assuming???? - now that's low maintenance!

Debra She Who Seeks said...

@ Willym -- "Dust once a week" -- WTF is THAT?

Missy George said...

I'm generally not in to fake but I understand the reasoning and it looks great..Willym has it down..If it doesn't get rained on , you'll have spider webs and such..Dusting for sure ?? Sounds like you solved the pigeon problem...Hope so..You could always feed them fake treats..;)

Jenn said...

I like it!! What a cozy place to relax in. On?

bill lisleman said...

You could improve the looks with a couple of cold beers sitting on a small table. I had not heard of this scare tape. I've heard of fake snakes to keep birds out.
I think you'll be fine UNLESS the fake rabbit starts to eat the fake plants and fake rabbit poop shows up.

BW Bandy said...

Just discovered your blog. Cute posts.

klahanie said...

Hey Debra,

Nice balcony! I wish I had a balcony. My neighbours below me have a balcony. So, what I do is lower Penny the Jack Russell dog down in a little harness and let her do her business. I then winch her back up.

Speaking of fake grass. I was asked, "Which do you prefer? Fake or real grass?" To which I replied, "Not sure, eh, cause I've never smoked fake grass!"

Have fun with the real pigeons, eh!

Gary :)

Anne Johnson said...

That's very cozy-looking, but I would pay close attention. One night the Blue Fairy might pop by and turn those fake plants to live plants, and the bunny too. By morning you'll have a pile of twigs and a hungry rabbit digging up the grass.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

That shade of blue is fabulous. I like your plant OCD. And the view is great. Everything looks dead body free and that is always a plus in a high density neighborhood.

baili said...

I am so glad that you shared you balcony decorations and views with us dear Debra!


I loved the blue chairs and plastic plants .
i used plastic plants in my previous house where it was hard to create space for real ones.

I believe that having around such fake items cannot snatch away your own true ,original and natural and one more Genuine inner beauty and brain!!!

while sitting here you can let your imagination take you to the lashing hills and greens ,believe me imagination is source of spiritual flight and you are free to take it whenever you want

G. B. Miller said...

Ahh...the joys of apartment living. Very chic, and to think all you need to keep your fake grass trimmed is a fake lawn mower to do it with. :D

I Are Writer!

Cheryl said...

I like what you have done to your balcony. It looks like an awesome place to sit and have a drink. I have never lived full time in an urban setting but have rented a few places for short duration for work or vacations and I really enjoyed looking over a cityscape.

JACKIESUE said...

the GG's have kids size chairs just like yours..

Fundy Blue said...

I love it! Your fake balcony looks restful. I'd suggest a fake owl for the pigeons, but around here they figure that out quickly. Have a good one!

Magic Love Crow said...

Your fake balcony is adorable!!! You made me really laugh, like always! Thank you! LOL! That tape for the pigeons is really interesting! I've never heard of that before!! Big Hugs!

Nina said...

Doin' the pigeon... Do you know the song from Sesamstreet? It came into my mind while reading this :D Your balcony looks great! I hope, that you really sit on it, and not a fake version of you! Have a beautiful week!

ReplyDelete

Francie M said...

Wow and a little room to store all of the stuff in! I must remember that if i ever write a mystery novel, great place to hide i should think. We don't have exotic things like that here in Ontari-ari-ar-i-o but i think we should. i don't actually have a balcony either but i should would like a little room like that.

Toni said...

Perfect balcony! Too bad I can't balcony sit for you while you're on vacation!

knitwit said...

I love your balcony! I've been in my place for just over a year now, and the back deck still looks like a dumping ground for my husband's gardening junk. I wish HE'D embrace the fake foliage!

koi seo said...

Great pigeon solution. Low maintenance is a great idea for a balcony in my opinion.

พี่มากพระโขนง